I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish
by jimmySLOTH
Summary: Yamato Ishida, haunted by a past full of abuse, comes across and old friend who reminds him that although life is bittersweet, we write our own endings. Does Yamato accept his theory? Taito and Takesuke.. Chap. 4 up.
1. Prologue

I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish  
~jimmySLOTH  
  
This is based off the song by Brand New, "Seventy Times Seven"... if you haven't heard it, and have Windows Media Player or Real One or something you might want to think about downloading it [if you're into Emo music and whatnot].  
  
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'Anger is only a cheap way to hide pain and hurt and loneliness, you know, and that's your one character flaw: you can't show anyone that you're weak; you can't show anyone that you're just a scared little boy, can you? You have to hide it. Have to push people away. You're just like your father, you know? You ought to think about changing yourself before you push us all away!'  
  
That was the last thing my mother said to me before she left, before she grabbed Takeru and walked out of the house for good. And when I think about all the times I've needed her, all the times my father and I really truly needed her, I remember that I do not need her. I remember that she was wrong, and that she needs to pay for what she has done to us.  
  
But that's just a lie. She was not wrong, was she? Yes, it's true, I antagonize people, and I'm always angry solely because I am lonely. I am sad, I am lonely, and I am hurt... I'm still that little boy that I always was, the one who would sit opposite of all the other children and complain, and pretend to pick fights because I was too cowardly to walk straight up to the problem and stare it in the face, and then get over it.  
  
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:FLASHBACK:  
  
It was raining outside. I'd always hated the rain. It made me feel worse about myself in some strange way, but I was only ten years old and I'm not sure I could really understand why. My father was home alone with me. My mother and Takeru, my baby brother, had gone out to visit a friend of his.  
  
I was sitting in front of the television, as usual, when my father came up to me and grabbed me by the shoulder, and then thrust me into a room. Not just any room, his bedroom. I cried out in pain and looked over at my father who was silent. I demanded to know why he had treated me as he did, but my father did not reply. At long last he knelt down, stared into my eyes, and kissed my forehead. Then he kissed my cheek, and then my lips. I tried to pull away from him, I had never really enjoyed father-son moments, but this was just strange.  
  
Then my father proceeded to pull of my pants slowly, and kiss me, and tell me that he loved me... and finally, my father raped and beat me.  
  
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Was this love? What WAS love? Most of all, why had he done this to me? Why? Was this why mom left? I was so full of questions, so full of bitter resent and torture, and pain, such great pain he had caused me, and for what? A cheap thrill? Was that all I was, some sort of cheap deranged thrill ride for some forty-year-old man?  
  
Maybe this is why I have no compassion. It had been sucked out of my very soul, sucked out of my body with every kiss and every taste my father ever took of me. And let me tell you, the first time was not the last time. So the pain just grew, as he continued to have his sick little fantasies lived out in his own son.  
  
But that's not important anymore. That is the past and this is the future. Those days of pain and anger are gone. My father is dead. Now I live alone, in an apartment, where I can do whatever I want without those sick little consequences.  
  
Which leads me to today.  
  
I sat lonely at the bar, slowly consuming my glass of whatever the hell I was drinking, I can't even remember, when all of a sudden a tall brunette boy sat down next to me. I glanced at him, but uninterested, I looked away. I had just finished a gig somewhere or another, I can't remember anymore, and I was utterly exhausted.  
  
Lucky for me, my ex-girlfriend just had to be there too. She bounced over to me, and yelled "Hey Matt how's it hangin'?"  
  
I glared at her icily. "Yamato. Call me Yamato. And I'm fine."  
  
She did not notice the ice that crept over my words like fog over the ground on a warm day after a cold night. And so she continued to pester me, as I continued to blow her off. Finally, the brunette boy turned around, and said, "Gee, Sora, did you ever think that he doesn't want to talk to you?"  
  
I looked over at the boy again. How did he know Sora, but more importantly why did he care? I looked closer at his face, and realized it was not just some brunette boy, but one of my old friends, Taichi Yagami.  
  
"Tai?"  
  
"Hey Yamato, How's it going?" He grinned at me. In the dim light of the bar, his serene brown eyes glistened happily, as he chuckled and added, "I haven't seen you in a long while, ne?"  
  
I blinked, trying to divert my attention away from him. "Yes, I suppose it has been a long while." I smoothed my blonde hair, as my eyes glistened sharply back at him.  
  
A few minutes later, Taichi spoke up again. "One time, someone asked me if you had contacts or if your eyes were really that blue. And I just looked at them and said, 'Now why would he wear contacts? Of course they are real, they are as real as you and me, and as beautiful as a deep lake', and then the other person told me I spent too much time reading."  
  
I did not happen to notice the wonderful compliment that Taichi had just given me. Sarcastically, I remarked, "If you're comparing my eyes to a deep lake you must be calling them empty, for a lake has nothing to it except Hydrogen and Oxygen. Gases. Which can appear to be nothing." What a smart ass I am.  
  
Taichi grinned at me. "Yes, but the combination of Hydrogen and Oxygen does create the compound of water, does it not? And water in a lake means that it has depth, which is exactly what your eyes have."  
  
Again, I missed the compliment, and instead finished my drink, got up and put my coat on and said quickly, "Don't you have some ball to be kicking around somewhere?"  
  
I didn't realize as I walked home that I was being followed.  
  
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Uhm, yeah, thanks for reading and I hope you leave a little review for me, so that you can inspire me to write a little more or something. =D Well thanks for at least reading.  
  
~jimmySLOTH 


	2. My Porcelain Mask

I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish – Ch. 1  
~jimmySLOTH  
  
Wow, and I do mean wow. Thanks, thanks all too much for the support from the readers. I didn't think that anyone would like this but I guess I was wrong because I got a load more reviews than I thought I would!!! And now to answer a few questions and make a few comments:  
  
Splash-Yaoiluv: I was perusing through my reviews when my eyes glances upon your name. I practically chocked on nothing. Dude, you have no idea how much it means to me that you approve – I practically got my Taito start from you. Thank you thank you!  
  
yamatoforever: Wow lots of questions!! =D I think you will enjoy who the stalker is, teehee. Also, I'm thinking about re-doing "All I want for Christmas is You", do you think I should?? #__# You are right, the mother should care more, but we get to that issue in later chapters. Thank you for the generous review and I look forward to seeing more reviews from you!!  
  
August G: Thank you so much for the kind review =D I'm really glad that you think I accurately described Yamato. :D Thanks so much!  
  
nEo-cHaN: =) I'm glad you liked my comparison to the lake. I'm sort of new at similes and metaphors and whatnot, so thanks for the boost in confidence! Thanks, thanks, thanks!  
  
BessArtist and AnimeKitty101: No, no, there will be no Sam in this story *shock and scandal* I know, I know, but you'll just have to see how I do without my beloved Samantha Tobey. =D Love you lots!!  
  
Violette_Mai: Thanks for the double review!! Maybe you could do it every chapter? LOL just kidding of course, but thanks for the abundance of support shown! =D I won't let you down I promise!!  
  
Thanks to EVERYONE ELSE WHO SHOWED SUPPORT!!! (Helene, Sillie, Lottie11, Yams_41, DragonBlade, and DarkMetalAngel_of_Destruction) YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!  
  
And now, on with Chapter One: My Porcelain Mask  
  
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I threw my keys onto the counter lazily, and sunk back into my favorite chair. I thought back on Taichi, and wondered why I had met up with him, after so many years of being away from him. I'm one of those believers of, if you miss a plane, you are not meant to be on that plane. So I was guessing that I had to have met up with Taichi for a reason. But what exactly was it? Why would I have met up with him?  
  
I didn't matter anyway. I wasn't especially fond of him in any way, and it's not like he's very fond of me either. I don't need anyone. All I need is myself. If anything was meant to happen it would have happened by now and it would be a part of the past.  
  
There was a knock on the door. I stirred slightly, but made no leap for the door. I casually took my time, then unlocked the door and opened it. My eyes almost popped out of my head.  
  
"Y-Yamato? I-is that really you?"  
  
I stared back at the small blonde-haired boy in disbelief. "Takeru? What are you doing here, you know mom said you couldn't visit me anymore!" I was so astonished that he had bothered to defy that woman. Takeru would never disrespect our mother in such a way, and now, seeing him standing in front of my apartment, I wondered what could have possibly made him need to go behind her back.  
  
"I-I, well, it's kind of... I... can I come in?" Takeru asked politely. I quickly allowed him in, took his coat, and settled him down into a chair with some Green Tea. I asked him to tell me what was wrong. Takeru blinked up at me. "Onnichan, I'm scared... I think... I think I've fallen in love."  
  
A raised an eyebrow. "And this is a crisis, how?"  
  
Takeru turned his face away from mine. "It's with Daisuke."  
  
Daisuke. Daisuke... that name sounded familiar. And then it hit me – Daisuke was the boy that Takeru had played in basketball years ago, and he was on Taichi's soccer team, too. Daisuke, that annoying little pest; I could remember that he was annoying, and that he was always challenging Takeru to anything and everything. "Oh, that boy," I replied quietly.  
  
"Yes. That BOY," Takeru replied, stressing the fact that Daisuke was a boy.  
  
"Yes, I am aware that Daisuke is a boy, Takeru, you don't need to stress that to me. Unless you're not sure yourself, which is perfectly..." I started off.  
  
Takeru cut me off impatiently. "Don't you see anything wrong with that? We're both boys. BOYS. Mom wouldn't go for that, would she? Society wouldn't go for it either. Nobody would, now would they? And I have this huge panic attack hanging over my head, because all I want to do is chase after someone that I care about. And I can't do that."  
  
I smirked. "Well what's stopping you?"  
  
"HE'S A BOY!!!!" Takeru cried angrily. "THAT WOULD MAKE ME GAY!"  
  
I shook my head at him. "Takeru, Takeru... there is nothing wrong with being Gay. It's just love, right? Should it matter gender? Search for personality, search for the one you want to be with, and just go out there and get whoever it is, regardless of what it may look like to anyone else. Always remember that."  
  
Takeru smiled. "How is it that you're right about everything Yamato, and you're still not happy?"  
  
I blinked at him. "I'm not right about everything Takeru..."  
  
He shrugged back at me. "Anyway, I'm also running away from mom for a while and I need somewhere to crash. D-Do you mind if I stay here? Even for just a little while? Please, Onnichan?"  
  
I rolled my eyes at him. "Oh yeah, I'm going to go send my little brother off into the world, tell him to make it on his own and never come back here," I said sarcastically. Then I smiled and softly said, "Of course you can crash here, Takeru, and you can crash here as long as you need to."  
  
Takeru grinned. "Of course, I don't have any clothes or anything so we have to go shopping tomorrow and buy me some stuff."  
  
I grinned at him. "Well at least you know the right way to run away, don't make it too suspicious, right? And where did you learn how to run away? Oh man Takeru, are you a bad boy in disguise? That might make Mommy upset..."  
  
He grinned back. "I'm such a bad seed, I'm the bad child of the family after all."  
  
"So we'll go clothing shopping for you tomorrow then, and then after that I'll get you settled into the city." I looked at my hopeful brother. I don't know how I manage to be nice to him, after all the pain that I've ever felt. Maybe it's because I want to protect him like I was never protected. Maybe it's because I never want him to face the pain and torment that I have carried deep inside my soul throughout my entire life. He's my flesh and blood, my responsibility and I love him, and I could never bear to see him hurt.  
  
He nodded. "Hey, Onnichan, thanks for everything."  
  
I think that was possibly the first thank-you I'd ever gotten in my entire life.  
  
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:FLASHBACK:  
  
I sat silently in my room, thinking about what had just happened. He had touched me and no one had been around to stop him. And to top it off, my mother came home and lectured me on why I sucked at everything.  
  
I stood up calmly, grabbed the closest sharp edge to me, and walked into the bathroom. I closed the door and turned on the lights. I stared at myself in the mirror. I remember my mother telling me when I was younger that someday my face would take me places. Now look at me. It's just a porcelain mask to hide behind, just the perfect image that everyone dreams of. Why did they want my life? I didn't even want my life! Well you know, they can have it. And they can have whatever just happened to me, and can have my pain and torment, and my parents and my everything. I'm just sick of it.  
  
I leaned over and slashed the object through my skin. A trickle of red dripped slowly down my wrist.  
  
And I'm ashamed to say I enjoyed it.  
  
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=D Again thanks to all those who sent in reviews, and I hope that you all enjoy this chapter as much as the others. Please continue to review, I really appreciate those. Again many thanks!!  
  
~jimmySLOTH aka MEG iSHiDA 


	3. Don't Forget what's in the Past

**I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish**  
- jimmySLOTH  
  
Sorry that it's been so long since I got a chance to write more . I had my eighth grade Formal Dance [kind of like a prom] which was last Friday, and before that I had my research for my term paper on AC/DC due, and also my Algebra test on chapters 11.2 and 11.3... so that explains my absence. Also, I'm away on a band trip on Friday and Saturday so... I'd appreciate if you left me something nice to return to!! Okay, now on to the shoutouts...  
  
LadyK Na-No-Da: =D thanks. It's okay, by the way, and thanks for reading THE REASON... thanks for the review again, and I thought the part about the eyes was pretty clever too Tai's a sweetie.  
  
BessArtist: You are HOPELESSY and HELPLESSLY in love with Taichi =) but we're okay with that. Thanks for the review, love you the most!!  
  
Xiamandelaine: I agree. Way to go, Yamato! Somehow he still manages to take care of the little brother he holds so dear to his heart. Don't worry, Taichi's coming up very soon. Thanks for the compliment!  
  
Violette Mai: =) thanks for being a Loyal Reviewer! I think that you'll find out Taichi's role in some up-coming chapters so don't worry about it.  
  
Sanura-Sama: Mmm, angst. Who doesn't love angst? I take it you definitely do. Hope I don't let you down! Thanks for the review... =D hehe  
  
nEo-cHaN: thanks for being the first person to acknowledge the Daikeru coupling! You get the official thanks for the Daikeru recognition speech – but not right now Just be glad you're that special person in my heart!  
  
NMMIpixie: So yah like Brand New too, huh? They're one of my favorite bands. Thanks for being so nice and taking time out of the story to send a review to each chapter, I seriously appreciate it. =) Hope I don't let you down!  
  
YamatoFangirl: Thanks for the abundance of compliments. I feel so loved! Hehe, I hope I don't let you down! Thanks Thanks THANKS!  
  
yamatoforever: Hey again, thanks for the really nice review! And I guess I should really start thinking about ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, since you seemed to like it so much. I wish I had Yamato to run to... ;; well, see you around. Thanks for the review again!  
  
Many special thanks to: Heaven's Angel Chick, Sillie, DragonBlade, and also DarkMetalAngel of Destruction. =D LOVE YOU ALL LOTS TOO!  
  
And now without further ado [no more parties, dances, tests, nada...] I present to you, the latest, hot-off-the-press chapter of I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish. :]  
  
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:FLASHBACK:  
  
_I smoothed my fingers over the fresh scars on my wrists. My life was stupid. Sometimes I wish I could just cut a little deeper, just a tiny bit deeper... maybe then I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. There was a knock on the door, and I pulled my sleeves back down. How could I let anyone see this? How would I explain myself?  
  
I opened the door to the bathroom lightly, and then made my way to the front door. I twisted the knob casually, and fell back slightly as I opened the door. In front of me stood Taichi Yagami, one of my best friends and the only person I could ever be completely [or almost completely] honest with.  
  
His eyes were dark with a mixture of anger and confusion. "Yamato. I need to tell you something," he said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.  
  
I looked back at the brunette boy in shock. I had never seen Taichi so vulnerable. Normally it was I who was the vulnerable one, the scared one who needed his strong words to help me. I smiled at him, and replied, "You know you can tell me anything Taichi."  
  
He looked away from me. When he finally turned his face back to mine, I was shocked to see his eyes full of tears. "I... I'm moving, Yamato."  
  
I didn't want to hear that. I was only 13, what was I supposed to say to him? I'm glad you're leaving me to deal with life all alone? I can't wait for you to forget who I am and never bother to keep in contact? Have a great time meeting a new best friend and making new lifelong friendships? So I just stared at him for the longest time, before softly saying, "That's too bad. That's really too bad. But you have to leave now." I pushed him out the door, closed it, locked it, and sat against it, crying myself into oblivion.  
  
I was really going to miss him.  
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I woke Takeru up the next day at around two o'clock in the afternoon. That boy could sleep for hours and hours, and wouldn't even notice it. I myself could not sleep half as long as my brother, but I guess I have my reasons.  
  
Takeru moved sluggishly for such a young boy. I detested the fact that he could take such a brilliant life for granted. I could take mine for granted. I had no reason to be happy, and I damn well showed it. I guess that's why people stayed away. I don't think I really smile much around others, and I guess that's a put off, so they just wonder what the hell is up with me and keep their distance. It's better that way.  
  
:FLASHBACK:  
  
_Who is that? Why don't I know him? Is he new? He's really cute! Should I ask him out? Wonder why he's here...  
  
Whispers hovered over my head that day, hanging around the dingy hallways of my new high school. I shifted my backpack uncomfortably on my shoulders. Several girls were staring at me and giggling, which made me even more uncomfortable. Was I that different? Sure, my mother was American, and I had gotten this damned blonde hair [which was uncommon among Japanese boys] from her, but why was it such a big deal?  
  
The leader of the giggling girls approached me. My mind raced with ways to make her go away, to stay away, and to take her stupid giggling friends with her. She smiled sweetly at me and said, "Hi, I'm Arika, would you mind telling me..."  
  
I cut her off viciously. "Listen, just leave me alone, alright?" I snapped, stalking away from her and into the front office. I could hear her criticisms and shocked comments from her no longer giggling buddies down the corridor but nothing stopped me. I had lost everything. My father, my home, my brother, my best friend... where would it stop?  
  
I want you to hurt.  
  
I don't know you but I want you to hurt.  
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Takeru pointed out a hat to me. It was blue and grey, and very fashionable, and I really thought it looked cute on him. I smiled and replied, "It's really nice, Takeru, you should get it." Jesus, everything looks good on that boy. He's got an athletic build to him, muscular, so everything fits right. I, on the other hand, am awkwardly built; too skinny for tight shirts, too skinny for baggy shirts, too skinny for tight pants, too skinny for baggy pants, too skinny for anything. I envy Takeru. I envy him more than he could ever know.  
  
I turned around to pick up another hat and smacking into a person, sending the both of us flying. WHO THE HELL HAD BEEN STANDING BEHIND ME AND WHY HADN'T I SEEN THEM?! Sometimes I feel like SUCH an idiot. I felt my face turning red as I hurried to help up the person I had knocked over. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you, I should have been more..." My words stopped in my mouth as I finally glanced at the person I had knocked over.  
  
It was none other than Taichi.  
  
That son of a bitch, Taichi Yagami.  
  
He was grinning lopsidedly at me, as I finished off my sentence, "...careful..." He smiled at me and motioned for me to give him a hand up.  
  
He grabbed onto my hand and said, "Hey Yama, didn't think I'd see you quite so soon. It's amazing what a small world..."  
  
"Don't call me Yama like I'm one of your little soccer geek friends. Nobody calls me Yama. They call me Yamato. It's been a long while since anyone has called me Yama, but it's not like you'd know, you were never there."  
  
My words hit him like a brick of ice. I could see it in his face. Maybe I should have been nicer...? But that was my nature, spit out stupid and meaningless words before rationalizing the situation. Why was I such an idiot? I slammed into HIM. He didn't ask for this, he was just here. But no, no. Smart-ass Yamato has to step up to plate and instead of hitting a home run, walk out to the pitcher's mound and bash their skull in.  
  
Taichi smiled lightly at me. "Sorry, you're right." He picked up his bag of items from the floor. "I really don't know you anymore, do I?" He paused awkwardly. "Well, I'd like to get to know you again. Want to go get some coffee or something?"  
  
"No."  
  
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "He'd love to Taichi." My brother was smiling at me, gripping the paid-for hat in his hand. He whispered into my ear, "Just do this one thing for yourself Yamato, it'll pay off sometime, it'll all pay off sometime." He smiled softly and walked out the door, shouting over his shoulder casually, "See you at the apartment later, ne?"  
  
Taichi looked at me. "Listen, if you don't want to talk to me, you don't have to. I don't want you to feel like this is some sort of 'peace maker' talk either, I don't expect you to be the friendliest of people towards me. I also want you to understand that I didn't move on purpose. I didn't have a choice, Yamato, I didn't have a choice." He smiled a little more awkwardly at me.  
  
Bullshit. You always have a choice. I didn't say anything to him, except, "I know Taichi." Father told me that sometimes it was better to have a passionate ear than a passionate heart. I understand it now. He told me that because I have neither. Maybe Taichi would be the perfect way to gain them... maybe then I'd be like all the other normal boys out there. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so much pain.  
  
He smiled more openly. "Espresso? Or Latte?"  
  
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Yes, I know, I am evil, bringing you through all of that, having him meet up with Taichi, and yet, nothing. It won't be like that for long, I promise that in the next chapter, things will get a little spicier. Thanks again to yamatoforever/BessArtist/Lady Na-No-Da... you guys keep me writing. =D Check ya later! [hey this quick preview edit thingy that ff.net just got lets me make things BOLD and iTALiC! COOL!]  
  
Love, jimmySLOTH aka MEG iSHiDA 


	4. Sugar and Secrets

I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish  
jimmySLOTH  
  
I can't do shout outs today guys because I'm just too goddamned lazy. ;; Summer will be here soon and I... oh forget this I'm just lazy. I do, however, have a really important Author's Note for you guys...  
  
[AUTHOR'S NOTE] When I explain why I was not able to write for a while, please, please-please, PLEASE, do NOT tell me to update sooner in your review! I really find that rude and it also makes me realize that you don't even read these Author's Notes. Please and Thanks.  
  
Much love to yamatoforever, Lady Na-No-Da, nEo-cHaN, and Violette Mai. =) Thanks for being such loyal reviewers and writing such kind things! And now I present to you the newest chapter of ISMSIJ, please enjoy!  
  
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Taichi opened the door for me as I sullenly grabbed a chair closest to it. I knew I didn't want to be here. Even he knew I didn't want to be here. But I think it made him happy that I could at least show up. I mean, I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt before. Hell, I knew he didn't have a choice in the move, and I was a jackass about it anyway. That's just how I am. I mean, it's not like I try... er, scratch that, I try really, really hard without my knowing it to be a jackass.  
  
Taichi grabbed the waiter and order us some regular coffee. I hate coffee. God, do I hate coffee. Dad like coffee. I do not. I never will. Never. I hate coffee. Probably because I hate everything my father stood for, everything that made him smile and laugh, everything he held dear to him.  
  
I'm kind of lucky he didn't really like Takeru.  
  
Taichi stared deep into my eyes. Drawly, I said, "Would you stop staring? I hate it when people stare at me."  
  
He smiled at me and then diverted his attention to the newly-delivered coffee. He poured in a small amount of cream and a spoonful of sugar before mixing it gently with his spoon. I suddenly realized that I had been staring at him in his coffee procedures for a full three minutes. Embarrassed at the fact that I had zoned out for so long, I turned my head. Apparently, and luckily, Taichi had not noticed. "So, Yamato, what have you been up to lately?"  
  
Oh god, not THAT ice-breaker. He thinks I'm really interested in talking to him. He thinks I've forgiven him for things in the past. Jesus Christ, how naïve is this kid? Coldly, I gave him my answer. "Not Much."  
  
He nodded slowly. "Ah, I see." He twirled his spoon in his coffee. "You're still mad at me." Carefully, he placed the spoon on his napkin.  
  
"Oh, and they say you're not clever."  
  
He sat quietly for a few minutes. "Listen, Yamato, I know you're not very happy with me. I couldn't control what had happened all those years ago, it's not like I was old enough to live on my own. I couldn't ask to stay at your house either, it would just be too pressuring. Your parents were divorced and I knew times were hard. And you can't really rely on Mimi or Sora, plus Jyou moved years ago, and Koushiro didn't know where he stood with his parents so he was going to Hong-Kong. The only other close friends I had were my soccer pals, and they were really just soccer buddies, I didn't know them like I knew you guys.  
  
"I know you probably don't want to hear this but you need to know it. And I know it's not in your nature to be a forgiving person but just give me a chance, Yamato. We were best friends then, how much could have changed?"  
  
The pain in my heart released. His words struck me like a brick in the forehead. Immediately, I slammed my hand down on the table and turned my eyes to ice. "How much could have changed? HOW MUCH could have CHANGED? My whole fucking life changed, Tai-Chi. My whole fucking life. You were the only real friend I had and you were gone. Gone. Who would I run to? My father..." Well, I couldn't let him know exactly why I hated my father... So I simply told him what any rational person would have: "...didn't really care about me, and my mother was off fucking business men, plus Takeru was too young to have understood me, so who was left to talk to? No one. I was on my own for five fucking years before you so kindly tried to ignite old flames.  
  
"And five years spent cold can change a person. I was cold to start off with but Jesus Taichi, I'm the freaking Abominable Snow-Freak now. So if you want to know how much could have changed, the answer is a whole fucking lot." My hand left the table and my eyes gradually lost their chill.  
  
Taichi sat silently, digesting my words. He looked like he was truly guilty, after all these years. Guilt will get him no where. Guilt will haunt his life but it will not make up for mine. I want him to make up for my life. I want him to hurt like I have. I want someone to hurt, I want them to hurt for things they shouldn't be hurting for. I want someone to be like me.  
  
"Yamato... why exactly could you never talk to your father?" he asked, a strangely inquisitive look in his eyes.  
  
"Being intrusive won't get you the answer, Taichi." I thought about saying that. I seriously did. Instead, I managed to say something a little less direct.  
  
"I just don't like him."  
  
"Well why not?"  
  
"I don't HAVE to like my father."  
  
"Well, yes, I know that Yamato. But..." He paused. "But if you only disliked him then it's not really my fault you didn't have anyone to talk to, because that just means that you really never tried."  
  
Oh, ouch. "Listen, I have my reasons for not liking the bastard!" I spat angrily. Why the hell did he care anyway? Why the hell did I, all of a sudden, become so enthralling?  
  
"Come on, Yamato, what's the big deal? Did he hit you as a child? My mom did too, but I don't hate her. I was simply a bad kid. I mean, how bad could it possibly be?"  
  
I felt tears well up in my eyes. I stood up so suddenly that the stupid table toppled and the coffee went every which way. I couldn't even face Taichi. I couldn't cry. I had to leave, had to just take a little breather. I simply walked out the door of the coffee house and down the street.  
  
:FLASHBACK:  
  
_"Hey Yama, how was your day?" Taichi asked, flipping onto the couch and turning on the television. I flinched at those words. How could I tell him what was going on with me? How could I possibly reveal my secrets to anyone?  
  
"Oh, pretty good. I... I stayed home with my dad today. I didn't have anything else to do and you were at soccer..."  
  
Taichi flashed me a smile. "At least you had fun. I got to run laps." I flinched.  
  
"At least you had fun."  
  
"...you had fun."  
  
"...fun."  
  
_[=][][=][][=][][=][][=][][=]  
  
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to see Taichi. He was panting. "...god, Yamato, I didn't mean to make you flip out back there, but what's going on with you?"  
  
"Why do you care? Why do you even want to know?!"  
  
Taichi gave him a puzzled look. "You're... You're my best friend. I... I still really care about you. You know you can tell me anything, Yamato, anything."  
  
I felt like he needed a test. Sarcastically, I turned to him and pulled him into the nearest empty alleyway. "So, I can tell you anything, huh? Can I tell you that all those years I told you I'd been having good days, I'd been lying? Can I tell you that every time you'd ask me what I'd been doing I'd probably be lying?"  
  
Oh, I had confused him. Poor boy. "What?"  
  
"Okay, okay, let's get down to the bread and butter." I pushed him against the brick alleyway wall. I could see him wince slightly. "Can I tell you that my father's been fucking me since I was 10 years old?"  
  
Taichi gave me an oddly unreadable expression. It was like he was caught between fear, trepidation, and disbelief. "W-What?!"  
  
"Yeah, the man I shouldn't hate according to you was making me give him blow jobs since I was 10." I turned my eyes away from his. He was so innocent. I shouldn't have been hurting him with this.  
  
But...what?  
  
Wasn't that what I had wanted to do? Hurt someone the way I had been hurt?  
  
Why should Taichi be any different?  
  
Slowly the brunette reached his hands up to my face and turned my eyes back to his. There was a compassion flowing so deep from them that for the first time in years I was allowing myself to cry. Tears flowed silently down my face as Taichi whispered, "Yama. Oh, Yama... I can't believe this... Why..." He stopped himself. I knew he was going to ask why I had never told him but he already knew the answer. It was fairly obvious.  
  
It hurt.  
  
It hurt too much to divulge to another person. It was painful to me... and he knew it. He realized then why I had acted the way I had for so long. He realized why I was the way I am. His hand softly stroked my cheek. "Yama... I..."  
  
"D-don't say anything. It isn't your problem." I smiled uneasily. "I mean, hey, he's dead now right?" I sniffled callously.  
  
He smiled at me. "Yama... Do you want to come to my soccer game tomorrow, and then maybe walk around town with me? We could talk or something, maybe just walk. How about it?"  
  
I couldn't block Taichi out of my life anymore. I had divulged too much to him. How could I walk away from someone who knew so much, so many disgusting things, and still care about me? I nodded. Of course. Of course I would. "Yeah, I guess." There goes the idiot in me again.  
  
Taichi smiled. The pure acceptance seemed to make him happy. "Alright." He scrawled an address and time down on a piece of paper. "See you there." He slipped out from my hold and walked off down the street.  
  
What had I gotten myself into? Why had I told him so much?  
  
And why did it feel so good to tell him that?  
  
Shouldn't it have been painful?  
  
I wondered if this was just my assumptions crashing down on me. And then it hit me... all I really have are assumptions. Oh shit.  
  
[=][][=][][=][][=][][=][][=]  
  
=) hope that was satisfactory you guys. It's a bit longer [I think] and it's less inert than the other ones. The Taito is just piling itself on, and the next chapter should introduce the Takesuke/Daikeru. Please review, it would mean the world to me!  
  
Love much, **Meg Ishida**! 


	5. Sweet Like Sugar, Bitter Like Memories

I've Seen More Spine In Jellyfish  
-jimmySLOTH  
  
Well, I've been having a pretty hectic summer vacation. However, I shall stay true to the general public and produce Chapter Four of ISMSIJ now. =) Aren't you glad I'm back? Just kidding... you could probably care less. Again, many thanks to the people who take a chunk of time out of their lives to read my less-than-interesting fanfiction. Many, many thanks to yamatoforever, Heaven's Angel Chick, nEo-cHaN, LadyK Na-No-Da, Violette Mai, and I praise the return of Fox Of Light One of my good buddies!  
  
A'right, now that I've talked myself into oblivion, I'll get into it.  
  
Chapter Four – Sweet Like Sugar, Bitter Like Memories [x][o][x][o][x][o][x]  
  
I couldn't believe myself when I actually opened my mouth and said casually to Takeru, "Yeah, I'm getting ready to go to Taichi's soccer game." I could see Takeru's mouth open slightly, and Daisuke's approving grin in my direction. I turned slightly pink, and added, "He invited me, and I felt bad because I was so rude to him before..." This didn't exactly fix my position, because Takeru grinned at me, causing me to turn another shade of light pink, and add, "It's not that big a deal! We're not best friends forever or anything."  
  
Well... according to Taichi we were... but he didn't know what he was talking about. Personally, I think he's on some sort of drug. The way he looks at me... he doesn't give me that same grin he used to. Maybe he just grew up, maybe he's hiding something. Who knows? Well, besides him...  
  
And Daisuke, his STUPID, STUPID shit-eating grin, the kind that really gets under your skin and makes you want to scream... why the HELL was he giving me that damn grin? What were he and Takeru playing at? I was going to a dumb soccer game, not a trip to Disney World with the guy with the world's Happiest Disposition... Wow. What a crackpot family I have, with his stupid crackpot friends.  
  
AND SINCE WHEN WAS TAKERU ALLOWED TO INVITE THAT DAMN DAISUKE OVER, ANYWAY? WHY THE HELL HADN'T I NOTICED THAT LITTLE SHIT GET HERE?!  
  
Oh.  
  
I had been too caught up in making the perfect impression on Taichi... wait... Taichi? What would he care about the way I looked? He wouldn't care if I showed up in boxers and a freaking Tee-Shirt (which I would NEVER do) anyway, so why, now, was I all into getting ready to meet him? Things sometimes are too complicated to understand.  
  
I glanced at the clock on the wall, the bright red one, which read exactly 11:47am. I realized that if I did not leave now, I would be late to Taichi's soccer game, and then would probably end up missing something. I don't even know how that stupid game works; I played lacrosse in High school and never really bothered to learn any other sport. Well, besides Kendo. But then again, the Kendo club was very exclusive, so Kendo really became a part of my life and I no longer regarded it as a sport.  
  
I shook myself from my reverie, and grabbed my coat. Turning to Takeru, I said quietly, "I'll be back by eight tonight. Daisuke can stay overnight if he'd like. Don't go out until I get home... because if mom shows up, we're both road-kill."  
  
Takeru nodded. "Don't do anything you'll regret!"  
  
"A-alright," I said, putting the coat on and walking out the door. _Don't do anything you'll regret..._ What had Takeru meant? Could he know something that I myself don't even know?  
  
[x][o][x][o][x][o][x]  
  
After the soccer game, Taichi looked around the hill for me, I presume, and upon finding me sitting underneath the tree at the very top of the hill, he ran up it with his knapsack and sat next to me. "Hey 'mato, I'm glad you showed up." He smiled brightly. "I was scared for a second there that you'd ditched me."  
  
I took off my headphones, with a grin. "You know I didn't hear a word you just said, stupid."  
  
He shook his head with a smile. "What are you listening to?" he asked me, with a tone of actual interest.  
  
"Nothing you would recognize. It's an American band, and the lyrics aren't hard to follow. You were good with English, maybe you can understand it." I leaned slightly over Taichi, and put the headphones on his ears. Taichi turned slightly pink, and I rolled my eyes at him. "They're called Eve 6, this is from their album Horrorscope. It's called, 'Here's to the Night'..."  
  
The volume was up a considerable amount, so I could still hear the music...

**_So denied, so I lied, are you the now or never kind?  
In a day, and a day love, I'm gonna be gone for good again...  
Are you willing to be had; are you cool with just tonight?  
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well:  
Here's to the nights we felt alive...  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry...  
Here's to goodbye,  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon._**Taichi smiled and took off the headphones. "That's a good song, pretty easy to understand." He held out the headphones to me, and I gently took them back. I stuffed them into my pocket along with my I-Pod and turned to Taichi.  
  
"You did pretty good out there. I could never be that good at soccer... I don't even know what to do. You're very graceful."  
  
Taichi smiled. "It's just one of my good points. I've worked very hard." We sat in silence, and in my mind I questioned why I was still sitting there. I didn't mind so much anymore. Now that Taichi knows where I'm coming from, I can't exactly say we have no ties. He's been really nice about it, too. We never talk about that night, or what happened there...  
  
Oh shit, Oh shit. What if he didn't want to talk about it because he thought I was some sort of freak? His words of kindness had long since left my memory, and I could only remember him wincing, his questions, and anticipation... What if he thought I was disgusting? Was this charity friendship? Was it even friendship?  
  
"Taichi, can I ask you a question?" I asked, seemingly out of nowhere. He nodded, and I dove right it. "When... That night, when I told you about my father... what were you thinking?"  
  
His eyes drilled into mine. "I was..." he started, "I was thinking, how could someone so beautiful be in so much pain. Someone with such talent and such direction was being hurt so badly, but ... yet... you'd never let on that anything was wrong. I mean... I would never have guessed in a million years.  
  
"Which is odd... because you were my best friend. I told you everything, everything I would tell my mother or my sister. I ... I'm not mad that you never told me, I'm just shocked that I didn't guess at it."  
  
_How could someone so beautiful be in so much pain?_  
  
Had Taichi _really _just said that to me? He thinks... he thinks I'm beautiful. Something right then clicked in my mind. The way he acted around me. The way he treated me that night. The way he looks into my eyes. Nothing's different, not really... It's just that... he's...  
  
So...  
  
Beautiful...  
  
Wait a second, what am I thinking? Taichi? **BEAUTIFUL?** How could... how could I be thinking these things about him? How could I allow myself to be around him and never notice my attraction? Why, why was I slowly falling apart? Why was everything that I had worked so hard to maintain in order to retain my own sanity suddenly slipping further and further away...? Why?  
  
I took another, more painful stab. "Taichi?"  
  
"A-huh?"  
  
"...Taichi, are you... you know, _gay_?"  
  
He blinked at me, and we sat in the most awkward silence that we'd ever endured. His face gradually broke into a smile. "I didn't think you'd ever ask, Yamato. But, since you did, and since you were so completely honest with me before, I feel that I need to be completely honest with you. Because, I haven't been either... not really...  
  
"Well, here goes. Shortly after moving, and a bad relationship with a pretty girl named Sasha, I realized that... I wasn't so fond of the fairer race... and ... that I was actually more fond of boys." Taichi paused and grinned to himself. "Mom and Hikari took it okay, but I was even more shocked with the second realization I made."  
  
I looked straight at him. "Do I want to hear this?"  
  
"'Dunno. But you need to hear it... and I need to tell it. Well, shortly after admitting to myself that I was about as straight as a circle, I realized... the real reason why I was going to miss you so much, Yamato. I... well, somewhere along the line..." He paused and looked up at me. "Somewhere along the line, I'd fallen in love with you."  
  
I did not find this as a great shock, but somehow my heart stopped beating within my chest. He loved me, he really loved me. I was excited, I was horrified, I was happy and sad, I was scared and reassured. So this is what love feels like. Isn't it supposed to hurt? Just like every other goddamned emotion that anyone could ever feel?  
  
And somehow, it was great to know that Taichi had these feelings for me. It was great to know that finally, for once in my life, I wasn't the only person in a relationship who genuinely wanted to keep it going.  
  
Taichi grabbed my hand. "Listen, Yama, I don't wanna freak you out or anything..."  
  
I looked at him, and although it took me a lot of courage to finally say, I managed to look him square in the eyes... and not say anything at all. Instead I leaned forward and kissed him.  
  
Words cannot describe what I felt.  
  
[x][o][x][o][x][o][x]  
  
Taichi and I spent the afternoon together, just talking. When I finally got home, I opened the door, and saw something that would break my heart all over again.  
  
My mother.  
  
[x][o][x][o][x][o][x]  
  
:D I hope that was good for ya'll! Sorry it's taken me sooooooo very long to write! Won't happen again! Much 3!!  
  
**MEG iSHiDA**


	6. Colorblind

I've Seen More Spine In Jellyfish

-jimmySLOTH

Squee! I'M BACK! SORRY IT TOOK SO FRIGGIN LONG TO UPDATE! I was banned from Fanfiction for summer vacation, but I'm back in school now and I just turned 14! Squee! so I'm ready for chapter five of ISMSIJ ... MUCH MUCH MUCHO THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SUBMITTED A REVIEW!!! AND I APOLOGIZE FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING!!!!!  
  
And I really hope you all out there enjoy chapter Five of ISMSIJ. If you get a chance I urge you to drop a review in... Please? If you love me, will you? Sniffles I have more cookies...

Oh and guys, by the way, the next chapter is the last ISMSIJ chapter, so enjoy the last two while you can and PLEASE SEND ME REVIEWSSSS!!!!

Chapter Five – Colorblind

xoxoxoxox

"Yamato Ishida." My mother stood firmly, with Takeru behind her. I could feel the blood running cold in my veins. Why? Why now? How come I never get a chance in my life to appreciate something, to finally let happiness set in, that fat-assed bitch comes knocking at my door, making every ounce of emotion slowly drain from my body as I sit writhing in my own deer-in-the-headlights stupidity?

"Mother." My voice was surprisingly firm and icy.

No.

I would not let this bitch take Takeru away from me. My little Otouto. The only one I had ever managed to be close and open with, the only person in the whole world who had helped me through the toughest years of my life, despite the fact that he knew nothing, and knew he knew nothing. The boy is an angel on earth. My little ray of hope. No, I will not let her take him and poison his mind, or hurt him. I love him.

"Yamato Ishida, do-you-know-that-I-have-been-searching-far-and-wide-for-my-child-only-to-find-him-in-the-one-place-I-hoped-and-prayed-he-would-not-venture-to?" GOD, she said it in ONE BREATH. Does that Define monster? I think it actually does.

"Well, Mother, I didn't lure him out of your house with a Sandwich. He must have come here for a reason." Ah, the joys of sarcasm.

"Yamato Ishida, watch your mouth. I'm still your mother."

"Really? Are you really my mother? Wouldn't a kid know loads of stuff about his parents, 'mom'? Why is it, then, that I DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT YOU? MAYBE BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TAKERU OVER ME AND WALKED OUT ON ME AND DAD WITH THAT LAWYER AND BECAME THE SLUT STANDING BEFORE ME!" I screeched, Takeru flinching at my tone.

Of course that psycho ice-bitch just smirked at me. Bitch. I'll fucking kill her. I will absolutely fucking kill her. I will wring her neck and hurt her like I've been hurt. I deserve to be happy and she's stolen it all away. All of it. Away. Bitch.

xoxoxoxox

:FLASHBACK:

"_Dad... where's momma going?" I asked him uncertainly. "She said... she said she was gonna take me and Teeks to the park today. We were... gonna swing. She promised."_

_My father patted me on the head, the touch I had come to dread so soothing, and I was so confused. Where was she going, why was she taking my baby brother away from me? Did she forget, and why was Takeru allowed to go but I had to stay back? "Yamato, I don't think your mother will be back for a long time."_

"_So... we're not going to the park?"_

_My father smiled at me. "You know, I could always take you to the park. It wouldn't hurt you to spend some quality time with daddy."_

_I remained quiet and stagnant. "Momma **always** takes me to the park, dad. Momma always does."_

"_Your mother isn't coming back."_

It was my fault.

xoxoxoxox

"Yamato, Yamato, Yamato. He's my son, Yamato. If you continue to house him here I will simply report you to the police as a kidnapper. You can spend some time in jail to think about what happens when you come between me and my son. The son I wanted, that is." She smiled devilishly at me.

"What the fuck are you smoking?!" I demanded. Son she ... wanted? What the hell is she talking about?

She looked shocked. "Your father never told you? Yamato, I'm shocked. The only reason I married the idiot was because he had gotten me pregnant with you, you little beast you. I knew as soon as you were born that this marriage would not last. The way that father of yours treated me after your birth, I was second-string to you. You were like... birthing the demon seed, the spawn of Satan..."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" I thundered. Why, why did she do this to me? I WON'T LET THAT BITCH GET AWAY WITH IT! I WON'T! I CAN'T!!!! "Where the HELL do you come off saying the things you do to me?! You think you're FIT TO TAKE CARE OF TAKERU?! YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING MOUTH! And you know what, maybe I can't do my best job at it either, but at least I'm not screwing around every night, not home to take care of him! AT LEAST HE MEANS SOMETHING TO ME!" I hesitated slightly.

"Yes, but it's not like you mean anything to anyone other than him." She smiled again. "Isn't it the truth? I know it is."

I remained quiet. What if it was true? What if I didn't mean anything to anyone, anyway, and this life was all just a waste. I ran my fingers over the wounds on my wrists and wondered why I made them just deep enough to heal. Was I too coward to give up my life? Or was I holding on to something?

And then it hit me.

Taichi.

I actually... I actually matter to him. I know I do, and though I try my best to fight him and my best to stay on my own, I **mean** something to him, something more than just a childhood friend or an opponent. "I mean something to Taichi. You're wrong, mom. Wrong."

xoxoxoxox

I can't keep Takeru forever, but I won the first battle. My 'mother' had to go back home to screw around a little more and said that she'd come back for him or she'd have my head, but I'm not ready to let him go just yet. I'd have killed her if I had been, yesterday, the man I was a month ago. I'd have had a blatant disregard of the law and I would not have cared about my life.

But now I have Taichi.

When he runs his fingers through my hair slowly, softly, and tells me about how his day went... it's enough to make my skin crawl. He's so beautiful, so full of life and vibrancy. He's everything that I could never be, and everything needed to save me from what I had become.

And I'd probably be no where without him. I just want him to know how I feel... because I've never been good with emotions.

Oh crap, he's back from the bathroom and I still have to choose...

Between him, and my dream of going to Julliard school of the arts.

xoxox

xoxox

xoxox

xoxox

**SO MUCH LOVE TO PEOPLE WHO REVIEW!!!** Reviewers are almighty and I love them sooooo crazy much! Hands out random cookies Please you guys, keep me going for the Last chapter! Send me reviews and I'll hook ya'll up!  
  
SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONNGGGG  
Love always, _**Meg Ishida**_


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